I want you to know as you read this, that when something triggers tears,its our own pain that weeps.
Its almost 8 weeks now since police came to our animal sanctuary and ordered three dearly loved pet pigs be killed because they thought they were feral. As an isolated event it was horrific, it was a nightmare, but in the moment of this tragedy I connected up with every single memory of powerlessness, in every lifetime, spiraling back through the centuries. When my mother was dragged away to be burnt as a witch, when my husband was taken in chains…back, back ,back through time ,every separation and every execution of those I loved.
I share my struggles and my pain ,simply because they gave me tools.
Now I have to say I went through mortal rage. Despite everything I’d learnt, all the truths I knew, I hated and I had to sit and focus on my breath over and over again to prevent myself harnessing a lightening bolt and striking all those involved, dead! That’s how I felt, but I knew that the impact of hating would affect me the most and that those that come and feed off our vulnerability and our grief are not nourished by love. They are ONLY given strength to continue what they do when we hate them!
I spent a lot of time lying on the earth sobbing and I got strength from our Mother. It was little steps, I didn’t look ahead, every time I was overwhelmed with sorrow and feeling in pain I would sink once again onto the earth or I would hug a dog or a camel, whoever, whatever was closest and I would breath.
The only way I found my way out of the darkness was by allowing my feelings to flow and putting into action everything I knew that lifted my vibration. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the grief goes away, it’s certainly eased, but most of all when we nurture and care for ourselves others step in to support us and that’s what we discovered and it was the strength that others gave us that helped us get through this time.
When we carry trauma and wounds from our past, every experience we manifest NOW offers opportunities for us to heal. We can’t run away from anything, we can’t push things away and pretend they don’t exist. Life just won’t allow that, but so much more goes on in life that we just can’t see and everything rises to the surface at the perfect time.
I can give you different versions of what occurred for me that night, but lets ask the Kye who remembers that she is love/light and knows that she came onto this planet to anchor love.
Kye saw that her pigs chose this time to die. They knew that it would give her, who was much loved by her pigs the perfect opportunity to not only heal her past pain BUT to anchor love on the planet.
As you know, love was a process for me, it wasn’t my immediate leap and when I got closer and finally able to stay centered in my truth, at least most of the time, it certainly didn’t mean that I loved those that did this and we had a group hug and lived happily ever after NO. I have certainly felt compassion for them, but I still waver a little with that.
Choosing to love had to begin with me, honouring and caring about me and I made the conscious choice to let go of my rage. And there were many layers of release. I’d feel like I’d finally got through when I’d feel an unexpected wave of anger or grief overwhelm me. It’s a process and now I simply accept. I don’t try and change it, I just give it the space to gently be.
And the gifts of this time..ooh I struggled to find them for a long time and now I look at myself and how much I’ve grown. I feel a gentle respect for myself. I have gathered more tools and I have found out that I do have rights. I thought I was powerless and I wasn’t and whilst I know I cant change what occurred and I know that the death of our friends, our pigs had repercussions that went way beyond me and Gill, the cycle of feeling like I have no control, has ended!
You see choosing love is not an ineffectual lets all lay around having a cuddle, its letting go of fear, its being who you are, its standing up for your rights and speaking out for all those that cannot, But when we do this from a centered space of love, as Gill and I can vouch, the ancestors rise up and walk with you, the eagles fly overhead, the buffalo gallop across the prairie. We harness the full force of the Universe and all obstacles are overcome. This is the most potent way to create change!
And I could tell you of so many other ways I’ve grown. I’m no longer a procrastinator, but a doer instead. I’m feeling healthy because I’m finally nurturing my body with foods that uplift. I’m swimming every day and my body is changing. I’m meditating too. I sound like superwoman and I am lol.
Yup it was a big kick up the bum, but it was way more than that to… we struggled with our mission, but we didn’t fail and there is more light and love in our lives than there has EVER been.
I knew my pigs were Ok. I know that death is an illusion, but Im human, I’m not perfect, I mess up, I loose my way and that is, I finally came to see, perfectly OK. Through this grief I have come to be much more gentle on myself.
I realized recently in my grief that when we are in pain, telling our story and being heard without judgment is vital. I shied away from those that wanted me to remember the truth of who I was immediately or herd me back to more positive pastures, whilst I was in the depths of sorrow. Of course, if I’d stayed stuck in this process then a wise friend helping me to move along would have been a blessing, but we do need that time!
Facing our shadows, being present to our pain, crying when our heart feels like it can take no more, is essential, because when we allow ourselves to feel our grief, we set ourselves free. We are dealing with what comes up, as it does and we wont need to face it twenty years later when it finally erupts as chronic sickness or disease.
The balance on our earth is shifting. Many of us came here especially to anchor the light and to do that we have to heal. I realized there were many aspects in which I did not fully love myself. This is where it begins, with each of us. Its not selfish, its where the source of love begins. We start by nurturing and honouring ourselves and lifting our vibration and as the energy inside us builds and builds we become a sacred chalice overflowing with love and the love that flows from us awakens the ignorant, heals our polluted mother earth and creates miracles. So bless what comes into your life, it’s a stepping stone on the path of LOVE…Blessed Be
Pigpig,Lollipop and Prosper..thank you for all the gifts,may you be rolling in heavenly mud having your tummies tickled totally adored..we miss you our friends,but we feel you close xxxxx